Help. That is what changed when this pandemic came crashing into our world and life as we knew it was completely different. Help. We lost all our help from other human contact to get us through each day. Help. I cried out to my mom and dad when after just two days we had major meltdowns and tantrums that brought me to tears and I felt so alone as I was caring for my special needs daughter. HELP…
During our quarantine and sheltering in place for the Coronavirus, we have been together so much more than we normally are together. At the beginning, it was tough, but I was not on a strict work schedule, so I was able to devote most of my time to my daughter. A few days of some struggles, but then I relaxed, and we just played, went outside, read, and watched tv. We did absolutely nothing! It was great! But after three and a half weeks of just the two of us, it was getting tough. We had some very intense days. I was starting to lose faith in myself and hope that this lockdown would end quickly.
When I went back to work, at home of course, it was just too much for both of us. She could not handle that I was not giving her all my attention. My mom kept saying, “This time will be so good for you both. You will be able to work on her behaviors and really work with her on listening to you and following directions.” My confidence level in her, in us was low. I was really dealing with worry and doubt. I was scared that I could not handle her extreme tantrums and that I would just lose it.
Well, I did. I lost my temper.
I got frustrated and mad. We both did. But we made it. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
Our lives went from both of us going to school 5 days a week to staying home 24/7. We went from my dad helping every school day and my mom helping every weekend to neither of them being able to help for a month. Our lives were suddenly scheduled around the computer for her Zoom meetings with both her special education and regular education teacher. She went from going to therapy 3 days a week to having Telehealth and Zoom meetings with her school therapists and outside therapists. We went from having paid help come into our home 5-6 days a week to work on behavior and helping me with her, to no one coming to help.
When you add in my work Zoom meetings and teaching my students, to her 10-15 possible Zoom meetings a week with therapies and school, it was so much time on the computer! We were in a whole new world that took us quite a while to navigate. Sophia went from asking me daily, “When girl come?” meaning when is so and so going to come and work with her, to asking, “When girl call?” meaning when is my next OT, Speech, or Zoom meeting with my teachers. On some days, we had a combined total of 7-9 Zoom meetings scheduled. It was unreal.
It was just too much for me to work and take care of her in the end. After about 4 weeks of quarantine, my parents started helping again. We were all healthy and we were not going anywhere, so we were able to just keep our germs to ourselves. My dad helps me out for about 2 ½ hours a day while I had my Zoom meetings and calls.
Those few hours a day were times that we both needed! That time apart was so helpful! I need space, I need time to focus and work. She needs time, she needs a chance to get out too. She spent the night a few times so that I could have some time to myself and rest. I slept a lot and worked like crazy to get ahead.
We finally could also spend time together with my parents on the weekends just for fun! We got in quite a few baking sessions! Now they are helping me with getting caught up on all the housework that I have not been able to do without the extra help.
The past 8 weeks have been much easier for us and we have not had as many rough times. But we still have our days and times that are just so tough. It is amazing how many things can go wrong in one day at our house.
We are still potty training. Bathroom issues still are a daily struggle. During these past few weeks, there have been accidents, but that is too be expected. But we still deal with the playing in the bathroom. Oh, I worked so hard to get past this when she was little. Never leave her alone, always have a baby lock on the door. She really has made huge growth in this area this year. If you told me last summer that she would be almost potty trained, I would have laughed my head off. It really is a miracle that her body after 7 years of eating gluten free, has finally started to work properly in the GI area. Yay!
Now it is, “No, me do it, me by self.” I let her go by herself, but I cannot tell you how many times I have said, “What are you doing in there??” “No, we do not use that much toilet paper!” “We do not take the roll off the holder.” (Now we have a broken holder, that cannot be fixed.) “If you drop the roll in the toilet, you don’t take it out by yourself.” No, we don’t throw the wet toilet paper in the trash can.” “Are you cleaning up the pee?” Did you get the toilet paper out of the toilet to do that?” “You didn’t pee in your pants, but you had an accident?” “You peed in the toilet, but it got on the floor, not on your pants and now you are cleaning it up?”
On and on, I have never really been too tough on toilet paper usage, but with the shortage of toilet paper, ours just keep going down the drain…Literally! I have had to throw away 3 whole rolls this month. My favorite part though is when she fights me to go to the bathroom because she went “yesterday!” I ask her to go, No me went “yesterday.” Great, but you still need to go again today. Sometimes I just ask if she will go before we leave, go to bed, get up, really anytime I mention it and that is the answer I get, “No, went yesterday!” She is working so hard on being able to use all of these words she learns in school, but we just have not figured out how to always use them in the right way!
I know that other kids do this. I know that this is nothing new in the world of moms. It is just that these things happen ALL THE TIME! I cannot go to the bathroom without her getting into something. Drinking vinegar, eating a whole container of blueberries, putting her hand in a jar of jelly, and eating it right off her hand.
Another day it was dumping out a whole box of baking soda all over the wood floor right in front of me. I have so little patience after days and days of this. So many times, I just lose it. Then there are days when she throws and destroys her stuff that I can just say, oh well. I say you will have to clean it up. But the red jelly on the couch, the walls, the floor. I just do not handle that well.
I have had my little one sneak downstairs and eat candy that I put up high on the fridge. She has eaten half a bag of Hershey kisses and Peanut Butter cups left over from Easter and Christmas. Thankfully, they are both gluten free! It happens when she wakes up early and I let her come sleep in my bed. When I fall back to sleep, she has been sneaking downstairs and getting into things. I have found chocolate wrappers all over the house!
She does usually confess and tell me. But one time she told me that she had an accident and I went about cleaning her up. When she showed me where she had the accident, suddenly she was showing me exactly what she did by pulling over the kitchen chair and sneak up to the top of the fridge. She had gotten into the cabinets and opened all sorts of things and even tried to pop popcorn in the microwave with the wrapper still on it! My heart was in my throat and the blood just drained right out of me.
The fear and the unknown that can happen when she gets out of my sight or goes anywhere in the house by herself is so scary. Now we are talking about motion sensors and higher door locks because she is getting so tall and she can reach anything and get into everything.
One day, she tries to “set” the timer on the oven and accidentally turned on the oven. I have tried SO many times to tell her not to touch the oven or the microwave. I reached out to her special education teacher and asked her to make a video about how important it is not to touch those things.
Her teacher immediately made a video and we have watched it twice now. Sophia sits frozen as she watches it and shakes her head yes and no as her teacher is talking. I know she is thinking, ‘How does she know that I just touched the oven?
We honestly need people, tools, strategies and SO many things in our lives to help us to walk this journey.
But even if I did not have any of the above things, I would still have the only one who can help me truly make it to the other side of the stressful days. Jesus is all I need if I will just turn my eyes to Him and ask Him for help.
Ultimately, I pray. I pray and I pray. As I open my Bible and ask the Lord to speak to me. I pray as I listen to K-Love Christian radio station to calm me and calm Sophia. It soothes our souls and puts positive and uplifting sounds resonating through our house.
I pray as I read other books, blogs, and articles to help me to learn about parenting strategies. I am reading and searching for different strategies all the time to help me come up with other ways to reach her and motivate her to make better choices throughout the day.
This pandemic has changed us, has turned everything inside out and upside down. Our routine, schedule, and the way we did things stopped and suddenly we had to learn to just be. I had to entertain and keep her busy even more than before.
Thankfully, I am a teacher and I brought home tons of things to work on with her during our “homeschooling.” Also, I am grateful that Sophia loves school and likes to learn. Having a school routine and learning each day in the basement in “Sophia’s School” was something that kept us going every day and learning new things together!
The intensity of the tantrums, the meltdowns just increased so much that I KNEW that all the changes and disruptions to our routines were having a much bigger effect on Sophia than I could have imagined.
But my only hope of any real relief is asking the Lord to give me strength for every day. I am asking that He reveal to me ways that will help me teach her and help her to make the right decisions in the moment. I have asked for help from Him every day. Many days end with feelings of despair and hopelessness as I think ‘how can I change things up tomorrow, what can I do differently?’
Many times, I had to stop and just ask her if I can hold her, hug her, or let her lay on me to calm down. We had lots of snuggle time and lots of down time just watching tv, reading books, and playing games.
But when the tough days come, I still am calling for help. Help from my parents, her teachers, my friends, prayer warriors, and ultimately Jesus.
I have been trying to physically get down on my knees and pray. It feels so intense on these days as we move from one battle or incident after the other.
One day while she was in the bathtub screaming her head off because she did not want to be in there, I walked out of the bathroom and saw a blanket in the hallway. Instead of walking into my bedroom, I just dropped to my knees and prayed. She said, “What you doing?” She could see me from the bathroom mirror. I told her, “I am praying and asking Jesus to help me to not get mad and to calm down.” I hope that the more that I do that, the more she will see that Jesus is who we turn to in times of trouble.
This pandemic took away all our physical help in the form of family, friends, and teachers. I know that we are NOT alone. My parents have been just a phone call away and we started calling them on the days we do not see them. Her teachers are amazing and have given us help and support and encouragement! My friends listen to me cry and they are always praying for us.
But it did not take away my ultimate help. When I need help, I call out to the Lord and He will meet me right there in the hallway, in my bedroom on my knees, in the dark with my tear stained face as I cry and wish that I could do better, be better, and help my daughter more.
I know that I am doing my best. I know that my daughter is making progress. Even though we have had some sad days… low days… I can see some changes in both of us. Sophia is listening better at times. She is letting me work with her on calm down strategies and trying to practice some new behaviors. She is going to her room a bit faster when I ask her to take a break.
We are both stronger together than we have been in years. I feel myself having more patience and not having the stress from regular life that we normally have. This pandemic has been hard on our world, many people have suffered loss in many ways. For us, once again, God has put us in this place where we are right now. He gave us this time together to help us!
He knew that we needed time with just each other to find balance and learn how to have a better mother and daughter relationship. We have had time to rest, to relax, to laugh, to play, to read, to learn, and most importantly to pray. Our prayer life and our trust in Jesus is stronger than before. When we need help, we call on Him! “My help comes from the Lord!” Psalms 121:1-2
Janis Dougherty says