This morning as I woke up, I was grateful for the quiet of the house. I love waking up before my daughter! In a rare moment, I had about 30 minutes to myself before my daughter woke up. I just laid in bed, praying, reading, and listening to K-Love radio. It was exactly what I needed today. Yesterday was one of those days that I wanted to start again.
It started with a cranky little girl who fought me every step of the way! She daily fights me about going to the bathroom, because, she went yesterday! Then there is the fight in getting dressed, brushing her teeth and fixing her hair. Except wait, THIS is my life every day! Everything is a battle, a fight, or a war when she does not want to do what I ask. Some days, rare days, she wakes up with a smile, a hug, and a happy face with a great attitude. I love it when we start off with a smile!
Honestly, I have learned to pick my battles. Most days I just focus on changing her, going to the bathroom, and getting dressed. After meds and breakfast, we try to get teeth and hair brushed. It is SO hard to get these simple things done with her. She stands perfectly still for my mom and her teachers. But with me, every single move is a fight.
I want to demand that she does them, but that gets me nowhere. It seems like every minute of every day we can fight. Many days, I just do not have it in me.
The past few months, we have tried something new. I call it practicing or starting over. I ask her to get back in bed, I walk in her room and sing “Good Morning Sophia, time to wake up!” Then we do it over again and sometimes…. sometimes it works and we can get our day back on track! Yesterday- I wanted the do over!
This morning, my precious time to myself was exactly what I needed. I know that I need this every day. That I should be giving my time to the Lord at the start of each day so that I can start off on the right foot. I opened my K-Love app and listened to the music. It was like God had picked every song just for me. Every word, every note was piercing my heart with His truth, His love.
I read the verse of the day and spent the remainder of my quiet time asking the Lord to speak to me so that I could hear His voice and know what He wanted me to hear. The verse was 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-17. “Always be joyful and never stop praying.” At first glance, I think, I am really struggling with both. I am not always praying. I am so busy trying to handle it on my own and do it myself. As a mom of a special needs child, you never stop, and you are never done. My prayer life gets hurried, rushed, muddled, and overlooked more often than I want it to.
And I am certainly not always joyful. Oh, joy is an elusive thing in my mind and heart. I want to be joyful. I want to be full of joy and hope in my life. But these days that pull me down and break me, just take the joy right out of my heart.
My daughter very much wants to please me and often asks, “Mommy you happy?” Many, many times over the years as we have struggled to just survive each day, I have said, “No, I am not happy.” I am usually referring to her immediate behavior and situation at that moment.
It hit me a few months ago that I had to let her know that I am happy despite her behavior. I do not let my happiness and joy leave me just because we are having a sad day. So, I try to say, “Yes, I am happy, because I am choosing to be happy! I do not like how you are acting right now, but I am happy, and I still love you!”
I know that she is really asking, ‘Do you still love me even though I messed up? Do you still love me even though I am not having a good day right now? Do you still love me even though I have taken all of my anger and frustration out on you Mommy?’ It breaks my heart to know what she is thinking. Do I still love her? YES, YES, YES! I could never not love her!
Her questions though, are exactly what I think and feel when I have a horrible day, get mad, and lose my patience with her. I ask the Lord the same thing. “Do you still love me? How can you love me when I fail so many times?”
Never in a million years, did I think that I could get angry so easily and yell at my child. But I do, I have. I know deep down that He will never stop loving me, never leave me or let me go. I know it, I know it. But I still doubt, I still worry, and I still question.
Anger and frustration does not solve anything. I have been doing better at not reacting to her acting out. I pray more to ask for immediate help to remain calm. My prayer is that every moment will not be a battle.
I printed up charts, pictures, and anything I could to help her to do something besides hit, throw, or scream. It has taken us years to get her to say, “I’m mad!” Even though she is mad she could not say it! She still does not want to hit a pillow, but she will throw things down. She is getting better about calming down and using strategies to help. I practice them with her and show her how I can do them. Usually, she thinks it is fun and will try some too!
I have been fortunate enough to work with a special education teacher that helped me with some of my student’s behaviors in my classroom. I brought home everything that she taught me. We are also beyond blessed that her special education teacher works with us both to help me with her behaviors. I know that the Lord has put them in our lives to help us!
During lockdown, we have had many online therapies. They have been amazing in giving me so many ideas and tools to help. Simple things like wrapping her up in a blanket and pretending she is a pizza that I roll out and put toppings on. The pressure that I place on her when I am rolling, is giving her deep pressure that her body craves. It helps to calm her and soothe her.
Having this time at home, as strange as it is with a pandemic going on, has given me this time to learn the steps I need to take to help teach Sophia to calm down. I see improvements in Sophia in many areas! It gives me hope!
But then in just one fell swoop, she will get too excited, wound up, and hit. The other day she hit our little friend next door. It crushed me, I felt terrible. I could hear him cry and hear his little voice ask, “Mommy, why did Sophia hit me?”
I want to ask the same thing, ‘Why?’
Of course, I was embarrassed, I was mad, I was heartbroken as I marched her right back across the yard to our house. In these moments, I wonder ‘Will she ever make friends that she can keep?’ Can she ever have self-control and not hurt others when she gets over excited and over stimulated?’ It is my daily prayer that she will grow up and get beyond the phase of hurting.
After her bath and time in her bedroom, we finally talked about what happened. She really does not know why she hit, but she knows that it hurt her friend. I asked her if she was sorry and she said “Yes, I love him.”
After dinner, we were reading on our own. Sophia was “reading” my work pages and spent about an hour just sitting and taking my papers in and out of my binder. Suddenly, I see her running to the front window. I hear her little voice saying, “I’m sorry.” She had seen our little friend’s mom walking outside and had tried to say she was sorry through the window. It made me happy to hear her say it.
Our neighbors have accepted our apology and want to let the kids play again soon. It is a blessing to have people in our lives that love and accept us even when we do not act the right way or do the right thing. Love, acceptance, compassion, and grace are what we all need. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves another chance.
Just like the Lord forgives, He also never stops loving us. He gives us grace for each new moment and day. I need grace and forgiveness when I do not handle her behaviors very well. I must give us both grace for each new moment and each new day.
Jesus loves us so much that He gave his life for us. He loves us enough to forgive us. When we love someone, we love them no matter what they look like or act like. I know that in our world today, many people are hurting.
People are hating each other, judging each other, and not honoring each other because we are different, we look different, and we act different. God loves us no matter what we look like or act like because He created us. He made us in His own image. If we are a different color, ethnicity, economic level, education level, or have a disability, God still loves us all!
We are to love God and to love others.
I too must teach my special needs daughter to love others no matter what they look or act like. I want her to be treated that way. My hope for her is that she will learn to always treat others with love and kindness.
I know that her disability and behaviors cause her to act inappropriately at times. When we are out in public, we have faced the sneers, the looks, and the fear. Many people do not understand her or know how to act around her. But my job is to teach her that Jesus loves her. Jesus made her and He made her just like she is supposed to be! He created her in her own unique way!
I want to teach her that she needs to love others and treat others how she wants to be treated. We all should love one another. She has the sweetest heart. I know that she loves deeply. I want her to let God’s light and love shine through her and out into this world. We all need God’s unconditional and never-ending love in our hearts. We just have to ask Him into our hearts!
John 15:12- “This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.”
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