Hope is a word that fills me with dreams, excitement, contentment. and longing all at the same time. For the past few years, I’ve tried to choose a word for the year. This year, I choose Hope! I am hopeful for this year, hopeful for great changes, hopeful for growth and revival in my soul. Hopeful that we made it out of the deepest of valleys last year and that this year we will continue to climb towards the mountain top.
Last year was so hard, we struggled in so many ways. It truly was one of the lowest times of my life. Yet I continued to look to the Lord, to seek Him, and to trust Him. We survived and made it through those deep dark days. I am reminded time and again, in His word, that He is who I need to look to for my hope.
I started to have a hard time again towards the last few months of 2019 leading into the holiday season. It was such a busy time at work, so many extra activities and priorities needed keeping up with, that I started to feel that I was a frazzled, anxious, and an intensely stressed person again. I knew that I wasn’t stopping enough to take care of myself. I knew that I was giving all my time to Sophia, the house, work, my students, everything except myself. Even when I tried to leave work early to go for a walk, it seemed that so many things were due and needed to be done. I knew that if I stopped, I would get farther and farther behind.
So, I kept working, pushing through, and yes kept up with everything work related. I tried to keep up at home too. I am usually way less successful with this than I would like to be. Sophia was fed, well cared for, doctor’s appointments and therapy appointments were scheduled, made, and prioritized. But I was just barely managing to keep it all together and feel sane.
Exercising, eating healthy, relaxing, walking, stopping to be in the moment were things that I just pushed to the back burner. It is when I find myself in these moments that I realize that I’ve also pushed away the Lord and not relied on Him to pull me through.
It took an illness, utter exhaustion, extreme foot pain (thank you, plantar fasciitis? – NO thank you!) and a host of other things to finally get me to stop and rest, read, study, pray, and listen to Him. He calls me, He soothes me, He restores me when I finally stop and remember that I cannot do anything without Him. I truly know that I wouldn’t be able to be a single, working mom with a special needs child if I didn’t have Jesus in my heart and by my side every step of the way.
Thankfully, as a teacher, I have a few weeks off for Christmas break to rest and recoup. I know that many people really don’t know the exhaustion and intense pressure and stress we have in being a teacher and why the vacation we have truly is a time for us to recharge.
I describe that last week before break as a Marathon. Really the whole last month of December is one long race. It is a testing month, unit tests, standardized tests, individual reading tests and the list goes on. With 27 first graders, it takes the whole month to get those things done. That doesn’t include teaching daily concepts and skills.
I also have a lot of students who don’t have the extras, so making fun memories and bringing in things to teach them about different traditions and holidays opens their eyes to a world that they just don’t have experience with. Even just decorating the tables for their Christmas party and having special plates and napkins delights them and brings such joy to their little hearts. So as I spend every minute of each work day and quite a few hours afterwards putting together memorable things for my students during the holidays, I again, take the focus off myself and push to get it all done.
At home, I try enjoying the season with my family. Putting up decorations, participating in family activities and traditions, and getting all the shopping done for gifts. All things that I love to do and want to enjoy and treasure each year. But when I am spread so thin from work, then come home to so many extra things during the month, I continue to wear myself down.
This year, I wanted to do more with Sophia as far as outings and activities outside of our home. I read about all other families and friends going to holiday events, parties, activities, etc. with their families. I figured that since things are better this year, Sophia and I can go and do those things too.
But just like I am worn and tired, so is my girl. She has put in full days and a full week at school, she has gone to 3 therapy appointments each week after school. She has had 2 behavior therapy appointments in the home, along with CLS workers coming to play and work with her. By the time the evening rolls around and especially the weekends, she is exhausted and tired too.
But in my desire to be just like any other mom, I plan and think that we can do some extra holiday things too! So, I researched events and outings on Facebook and planned stuff for Friday night, Saturday and Sunday of each weekend! I was super excited to do some of these holiday events with Sophia!
The very first event that I planned was to go to see The Grinch at the theaters. The theatre nearby was playing Retro Christmas movies! I thought we could see one each weekend and take them all in! That first Friday, I was home early, by 3:50 and we were going to jump in the car and go to the movies.
We didn’t make it out of the driveway. Sophia had a meltdown saying goodbye to Papa. She cried, screamed, banged her head and hands, yelled, and continued to cry for about 30 minutes. So, we just sat there in the car, in the driveway, and didn’t leave. When she finally calmed down, she wanted to go look at Christmas lights, which is her favorite thing to do at Christmas. We went even though it was only 4:15 in the afternoon. We drove and she ate all the food I brought for the movie.
After an hour, she was happy, calm, fed, and smiling! I was hopeful! I had another plan up my sleeve to go watch a tree lighting at a local fire station and had planned to stay in the car to watch it all so that we could enjoy it, but not have to leave the car and deal with any issues that might come up.
I tried to drive around the area and not let on to what I was looking at, but she figured out that we had driven that way minutes before. She knew something was up! She suddenly realized that people were going to the fire house and saw some things set up. She wanted to go. But I was still looking for just a parking spot nearby. There were none and it seemed like things were being set up inside the fire house garage.
She was getting excited and seemed so ready to do something. So, I thought maybe we could just walk over and stand and watch. She had had her meltdown for the day, so we were good. I finally parked across the street and got her backpack on and we took 3 steps and she started melting down again. It was horrible.
I don’t even really understand why she was having a meltdown, because we were going. But suddenly we were stuck in the parking lot, cars whizzing by, people hurrying by, with my daughter screaming and sobbing and we weren’t going anywhere. If only, I could have easily gotten her back into the car. But 45 minutes later, after having her try to dart away from me, run into the parking lot, throw my keys into the parking lot, start screaming so loudly and become very aggressive with me, I was just struggling to keep it together.
I was convinced I was going to be arrested for stealing a child or something. A few cars kept circling… I prayed, begged the Lord to send someone by that I knew to distract her. I couldn’t call anyone without letting go of her to get my phone out. I started to pray loudly and that made her mad! I hoped that the fire fighters across the street would notice the screaming and come help. I just was in the most terrifying spot I had ever been in as a mom!!
Finally, after the biggest lie I could tell, I got her to the car, then finally got her inside. I couldn’t buckle her because she was laying across her car seat crying so loudly refusing to take off her backpack. After a while, she let me get her backpack off and buckle her in. By the time I got back in, people were leaving the event. I was in shock, I was numb.
I had the most horrible realization that someday, I wouldn’t be able to handle her and that I would have to call for help to have someone come and take her away. I thought that someday, I might not be able to care for her when she is acting this way and I would need more professional help. I cried my eyes out inside. I didn’t want her to see. I sobbed silent tears of grief that we couldn’t do one normal thing that night that so many people take for granted.
I knew then that I had to realize that she needs more down time in the evening and on weekends and maybe planning something fun on a Saturday or a Sunday occasionally, was going to be our limit. To have such simple things become so hard to do really dashed my hope for some normalcy this season. I continue to have to readjust my thinking about what our reality looks like and try very hard to not compare it to others. To know our limitations and to accept them.
After I drove home as slowly as possible, I stretched out onto the couch when we got home, and Sophia climbed up next to me and laid behind me snuggled next to my back and between the cushions. I laid there numb and she fell asleep within 5 minutes. We tried to leave at 3:50, it was now 7:00 and it felt like a lifetime had been lived in those hours. They were ones I will never forget but wish that I could.
So, Hope. Hope for us to continue to heal, to grow and mature. Hope that we both learn our limitations. Hope that we can get back to enjoying some things outside of school, therapy, and home. Hope that I will never have to put her in a home. Hope that we will get more behavior therapy that will work for us. Hope that I can continue to stay strong and push through even though everything in me wants to cry, to shatter, to stop, to give up. God’s grace, God’s love, God’s promise that He will be with me, that He is my Hope, that He is all that I need.
As I Hope this year that things get better, I also want to get back to being me. I want to listen more to others and hear their stories instead of being so focused on my pain and my heartaches. I want to love more. I know that loving others and serving others is a gift that God has given to me. But I usually am so empty lately that I don’t have much left over to love others or myself. Love in the form of hugs, smiles, kind words, a helping hand, a prayer, a meal, and time is what I also long for this year.
I want more time in my life for love. More time to love on Sophia, more time to play with her and soak up her joy. More time to love my friends and be present in their lives. More love in the form of helping and reaching out to others who are in need. So many people are hurting, alone, and could just use some love. My hope is that I can work towards that in our lives this year. The Lord does so much for me, and He has given me a heart for people, I just need to find more room in it for others. I want to show the world His love and that He loves them.
It is the end of the first month of the new year, January 2020. It has taken this whole month for me to write this post. Through the ups and downs of just this month alone, I have had some utterly devastating days and then some sweet and tender moments with Sophia. My love for her grows and expands daily, my Hope is that together, the both of us will continue to grow in God’s love and that even she, in her developmentally delayed ways can know that Jesus is there for us to call out to when we feel sad, lost, and scared. Her faith is growing, little by little. My hope is that she will grow in her love for the Lord and her hope in Him to solve little daily issues will carry over to life’s bigger dreams.