Life is so busy. We hurry and rush. We work and work even more. We stay so busy that we fail to stop and slow down. At least, that is how my life seems to be the last few years.
This year, I took a lot of time off from work and really stopped and slowed down! It wasn’t something that I wanted to do, but something that everything in me needed to do so desperately. I didn’t realize how bad things were in our life.
In a post I wrote in the Spring, I shared that God had done some miraculous things in my life. He is SO good! We received some help from the state that was long overdue for behavior and in-home help. I also was able to get so much more time off than I ever dreamed. You see, I only had enough sick days to take off about four weeks.
I knew that I needed more and was going to take it without pay. I knew that God would provide and that things would be tight, but I so desperately needed time to heal, time to rest, and time to restore my soul from the dark and fearful place I was at. I was so low in spirit; I had lost myself and was just a numb shell.
I felt so miserable about who I had become and what kind of mother I was becoming. I was always so angry and exhausted. I just couldn’t be the Mom that God made me to be.
The thing about me though is that if I am given a chance at something, I will work hard for it and I will do anything I can to figure it out. So, I worked beyond hard to convince my doctors, therapists, and my human resource department, that I needed this time off. I would be no good to anyone if I didn’t get a chance to get the help that I was begging for.
Praise the Lord, God gave me the miracle of time. I asked for people at work to donate days, it was hard for me to do, to ask people to give up their own personal days, but I thought I would just ask. I thought that I would get a few. I would be so grateful for just a few.
But NO, God doesn’t work that way, He thinks bigger. When I went in to sign some paperwork, they gave me the list of days that had been donated to me. I saw it, but I was trying to hurry and sign my paperwork. I wanted to not be seen, especially by my students. I hurried out of the building and didn’t really count them until later. I had to count it twice, I really thought that I had miscounted.
When God works a miracle, He goes big! I was shocked, humbled, and just completely surprised at how many people donated days to help me out. It was a list that was SO long! I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I couldn’t stop crying.
It allowed me to take almost four months off! I went from barely getting two weeks off, to having the time for 4 months off. Now to convince my doctors that I needed this much time off! They each knew that I needed it, but it took four doctors to help me piece together enough time to get those 4 months off.
You see the Family Medical Leave Act usually means that you have a life-threatening illness, or your family member does. We didn’t have that, but I truly feel that mine was life threatening in that I needed to heal, to rest, to restore my soul. I couldn’t keep going like this and expect to have much of a life left.
When someone is broken beyond despair and in need of time, they need it. It is life or death. That is what I learned. I was always fighting for extra therapies, doctors, time, help for Sophia. Fighting for yourself is hard, but my family needed me to do it!
Those months off after that were some of the worst and best days ever. Hard because I truly had to open myself up to my fears, heartache, pain, and raw emotions to be able to start the healing process. To bare your soul to doctors that don’t know you completely and to people who are deciding your fate at the time, was truly hard.
I did not do much around my house, but I tried to sleep, to relax, and to walk. Oh I walked!!! It too was hard, but really the best part of my days. To do nothing, to have no agenda, no list. It was what this Mama needed to really renew my mind, heart, body, and soul.
God knew what I needed, He knew that I needed to have all that time to really feel like I could go back to our regular life and live it, not just survive it! God’s perfect plan is never wrong or never at the wrong time, but it isn’t always easy and without heartache.
I believe that God brought me to my knees, to the bottom where I couldn’t get any lower to teach me to always trust in Him, to look to Him, to rely on Him.
He wanted ME! He wanted my brokenness, my emptiness, my heartache, my weariness, and my guilt. He wanted it so that He could show me that I just need to give it all to Him. Only Jesus can heal me, only Jesus can take away my hurt and guilt. He is the ultimate provider and comforter.
That was 7 months ago! It seems like a lifetime ago that I was so low and literally cried every time someone asked how I was doing, how was Sophia or anything. I couldn’t talk without crying. Every part of my heart, soul, and pain was right there for anyone to witness.
Now I truly believe that we are not supposed to hide all our hurt or our pain from everyone. When we do that, we can never be our true selves and let people in. But I certainly didn’t need to be so emotional that the floodgates never stopped.
Today, I rarely cry when talking about our life, it is a miracle that I am back to my whole and healed self! It feels good, normal, and makes me content. That in and of itself is another miracle in my eyes. Not being so stressed and struggling to just survive is huge! Now I am living and enjoying life at bit more!
Thankful- oh, I am so thankful! God is perfect in everyway and He knew that we needed all that help to see us to the other side of the huge abyss. Not only am I feeling better, but Sophia’s doing so much better too!
Sophia’s had a lot of extra support with different therapy, and community living support, along with reinforcement from her special education teacher to make changes in her behavior.
We went from horrible tantrums multiple times a day to just a few a week. We went from biting me so hard it left welts, pinching me, hitting me, throwing stuff at me, and screaming at me to very little aggression towards me.
We still are dealing with the screaming. I think that she is finally starting to be able to state that she is mad! But not always how to handle it afterwards. I am once again Thankful that all the many supports, we put in place have brought us back to each other.
Oh, it has been a process, one that didn’t change overnight, but as I look back to exactly one year ago, when I was in the midst of the worst pain and heartache, struggling to get up and out the door each day. Not able to do anything well because, I was an emotional train wreck; we both have come through to healing and forgiveness.
So, as I started this post saying that we are so busy and always in a rush, I realized this week that God saw me again start to go down the path of utter exhaustion, fear, defeat, anger, stress, etc. These past few months at school have been tough as I had 28 first graders!!! Too many first graders…which brought up my stress levels to the highest points. The never-ending cycle of testing, data collection, and work beyond the regular teaching we are supposed to do. My stress level was just rising.
In turn, I could feel myself getting so stressed out with Sophia. We started back to some ugly patterns of lashing out at each other when we were both tired and at our worst. I knew that I was still stronger because I only slipped a bit, I only handled myself wrong a few times. But it was a wake-up call that I was dangerously close to having a full-blown stress attack and I knew that I needed help again.
Of course, in my lowest moments these past few weeks, I uttered to the Lord, “I can’t do this again.” I cried myself to sleep, and I prayed that God would divinely intercede again on my behalf. The anger, stress, and fear were coming back, so I had to pray them away!
Thankfully, prayer is the best thing that Sophia and I have started making a priority at bedtime. Now she won’t let me leave the room if I forget to pray. So blessed, so very blessed to have my daughter utter her 2- or 3-word prayers that you know that the Lord rejoices over every word!
So, the Lord heard my plea. He once again had me stop, to not do anything else. Now that has meant Sophia getting sick. She started with a virus, turned into ear infection and sinus infection, and then possible Mono. So, for over 2 weeks, she has been sick, and I have been home with her for 10 days! It is so hard to see your little one sick. But this illness just never ends. She has been through the wringer and once again, our life is on hold.
I have had to get countless subs to cover my class. Cancel every therapist appointment for 2 weeks in a row. Cancel all her behavior therapy appointments in the home and cancel all our CLS help both weeks. Not to mention going to the doctor 3 times doing multiple tests, strep (twice), flu, mono (finger pricked and bloodwork), and all the meds, the fevers, the coughs, the drool, the laundry! Oh, the laundry! Once again, the piles of sheets and towels from bed wetting to trying to keep the couch covers protected from the snot and drool.
It is hard, but not the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through. It is mostly lonely. When it is just Sophia and myself, it is hard on me. Day after day taking care of her, having her lay on me, push me away, be demanding and needy, be a big girl with a 3-year-old mentality of wanting everything her way and constantly getting into every single thing. It wears on you. It drains me and my patience levels get zapped quickly.
But it is always the hardest to do it alone, be a single mom, not have anyone there to back me up. So, I reach out to my parents and beg them to give me a break. I know that they don’t fully understand. But I know myself and I know that when my patience is thin, and I am tired, worn, and exhausted that I am not my best and can not give my all to Sophia. I know that my patience is gone, and my anger comes so quickly. By having them come for just a few hours a day, it gives me a chance to get out and breathe, to decompress, to walk, to relax, and to pray.
Prayer, something that I realized that I had been neglecting recently with my start of the stressful times at work and home. My quiet time with the Lord has been obsolete lately. My joy, my happiness was missing. I had a big wake up call that I was going in the wrong direction once again. But thankfully the Lord, in His infinite wisdom and perfect timing, made me stop.
So today, this Thanksgiving Day, we have so many things to be thankful for. We are beyond blessed and God is the Ultimate Healer and Provider. He made me stop. He made me be still and listen to Him. I am forever grateful for this time to heal my soul. To heal my broken spirit and once again turn my heart towards the Lord. He always has a plan.
Not only am I rested in a way that I haven’t been since the middle of summer, but I am working on projects that have needed work on them for over a year. I am walking and praying- one of my favorite things that I’ve started doing this year. Walking! I don’t put in ear buds or listen to music; I just walk, and I pray.
God has taught me so much and I’ve been able to hear Him once again say. This time is for you too. Not just for Sophia.
Now the most wonderful part of this all is that Sophia and I are healing together. Together in body, mind, and soul. She has been more snuggly, more loving, and more fun this sickness then she has been for a while. I’ve truly enjoyed the times that she just lays on me and we snuggle for hours as she sleeps and watches tv to rest. Hardly any pinching, very little being mean.
My sweet Sophia has come back to me. That is truly a miracle in and of itself!
We are blessed and I am so very thankful! Thankful that God never gives up on us, that He has a perfect plan for us and that He always restores my joy!
Psalm 95:2 Let us come before him with Thanksgiving.